I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
