He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
