Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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