mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
