I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
