You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
