if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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