how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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