I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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