dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
