Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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