You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
