I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Randomize
