I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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