I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
