Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
