He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
