i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
