Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
