threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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