I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
