I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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