everyone is single if you try hard enough
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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