So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
