At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
