Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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