I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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