Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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