I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Randomize
