I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
