I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
