Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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