my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
