Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
