mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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