My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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