My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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