I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
