i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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