When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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