Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
