If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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