oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
