Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
