Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
