I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
