Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Randomize
