my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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