I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There's always time for handjobs
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
