My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
